: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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