Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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