True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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