i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
