The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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