I think my fart just growled at me.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
