If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I have fence marks all over my body
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize