I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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