Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
