Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize