i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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