Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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