Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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