You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
