oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
