Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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