my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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