if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
