Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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