Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
