I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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