Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
operation have a gay friend backfired
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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