Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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