i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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