We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Hippo gnu deer
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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