My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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