At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Randomize
