I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
