i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
