I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
