did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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