the condom got lost in my hair
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
