I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
