dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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