I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
