my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
