I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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