I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
