I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
