There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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