When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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