Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
