I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
