she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
