My first STD was from a foam party
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
