I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
