The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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