I haven't been this sober since birth.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize