Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
