just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
