your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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