Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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