i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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