you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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