My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
