Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
