My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
