Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
