TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
