Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
