My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Randomize